Water Fun -- and Fergie

You have to click on the pictures to see the detail, FYI.


Monday: funny Fergie picture...she actually stayed with her back legs like that for about 10 minutes, while she was holding Pudge's foot. It was really cute. And a picture of them all being lazy together. I'm now okay with leaving them alone for 36 hours while we're in Aspen.


click on the pic below to see Maliq on the corner with the sign!

Spencer, Brianna and Maliq had a car wash on Sunday. They were mildly successful. Maliq got scared right after this picture and refused to return to his post on the corner holding the sign....the cops drove by and he was convinced that they would arrest him if he stayed there holding his sign. Too funny. My house has been like a living Benetton ad all weekend...LOL

Maija, Gilroy, Indra and Zeke came over to hang out on Saturday, and Zeke spent the night. It was so frikkin hot that the kids played in the water all day. Apparently, it was to become a theme for the weekend!

FINALLY...they sleep

SHE HAS A NAME!!

She's Fergalicious!! Okay, just Fergie...and you can see her swirls in this one (click on it)...I can't believe she sat still so long! More on Jethro to come.

DOG? Who needs a DOG?

We looked at a couple of dogs (including a black lab named Teal who is SO FAT that her vagina prolapsed and popped out. Not the most pleasant thing, but it will go away and she is SO SWEET.) Ahem, instead, we ended up with two little bitty 12-week black kittens instead. They're both semi-feral (one, the girl, moreso than the boy) and they must come from the planet Spitfire because they have been chasing each other up and down the stairs and around the couch, and they are having NOTHING to do with Pudge. When we first got home from the Humane Society, I opened the box with Pudge standing there, and one of the kittens hissed and spit and stuck a clawed foot right out of the box. HAH! Paybacks are certainly going to be a bitch for Pudge who, 12 years ago when I brought him home, immediately tried to kill Peep -- some 7 years and 24 pounds his senior -- and freaked Peep right the hell out. Remains to be seen, as I need to get these two calmed down enough to let me take a picture, let alone meet Pudge! I got a couple of shots but can't tell you who's who. I'll do better next time, I promise. Little Man is asleep on the steps and Little Girl will NOT sleep, even though the HS sent her bed with her because apparently she usually never gets out of it. I haven't seen her look at it once since we got home. OH, and they both pooped in their box already! Woo Hoo!
Normally I would not get one kitten, let alone two, but I doubt that Pudge would tolerate a grown cat in the house without many a blood-curdling, fur-flying, emotionally devastating encounter -- plus, they had so many kittens at the HS that the price was marked down from $145 to $25 each. We almost got a third, a teeny-weeny named Commander Zim, who is 8 weeks old and the runt and SO CUTE. I might go get him tomorrow. Hell, what's one more?? Plus, he is SO CUTE. I just looked at his picture online again and got teary. SO CUTE.

Boy = Jethro (the name the HS gave him, which we think is cute and also apropos since Will bought Jethro Tull tickets today)
Girl = ??? They named her McMonagle, because she has faint swirling visible under her fur (like a black panther in the sun), and for some reason that is a Scottish trait (or something), but I'm not a fan of that name.

Suggestions? So far, we have come up with Minstrel and Velvet, and Elly Mae. She is SO not an Elly mae, though.

Dead Cold Duck

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My Daily Dose...

of "You Are Inadequate":

In my inbox this morning:

"Cynthia, I am so sorry. My schedule got really messed
up today and I didn't get your message until late this
evening. It was great to meet you both. I have decided
to pursue another family for Mea. I really hope you
find a great dog for your family. Hope all is well and
that you had a great weekend. Take care. marc"

So we're not getting the dog. Spencer's dad drove him up yesterday afternoon for the express purpose of meeting Mea at 3 pm. When the owner didn't return my phone calls, you can imagine the drama that built up. Spencer was heart-broken. And when I had to call him this morning to say that the dog is going to another family, I thought he was going to die sobbing. A bit over the top, perhaps, since he has never actually met the dog, but I think he sensed my excitement. So, yet again, my little boy has been crushed by the Dog That Was Not To Be. I keep reminding him that we really don't want to go through another episode of "the wrong pet," but it isn't much consolation.
Deep down, I think that Mea's owner is keeping her. She really is a great dog and a beautiful animal.

Dog

Update: Mea is a GORGEOUS animal! Even Will thinks so. She's totally clumsy (she fell down the steps when we first went in the house!) unless she's running, at which point she transforms into a graceful, almost horse-like creature. Oh, and she SHEDS. A LOT. And did I mention that she's BIG?? BIG. Three feet long and about as high. Eye-to-eye with any 5-year-old she meets. But she's well-trained, well-loved, very gentle, and can go off-leash at the dog park without running away. Imagine! wishwishwishwish that we get her! Spencer's meeting her on Sunday afternoon. Another update ahead!! (and, if we do end up being her people, I'm changing the spelling of her name to Mia)


Here's the dog I'm looking at getting:




Her name is Mea, and she's a LEONBERGER

Will says that if I get a dog, he's leaving. Anyone looking to rent a room?? Apparently I will have a free one soon.

Anyone? Bueller??

Can anyone tell me why my supposedly "regular" zucchini (the slender, green kind) looks like THIS???? (FYI, both fruit are about 6 inches long and the big one is about 10 inches around at the thickest part) Maybe I planted it too close to a yellow squash plant??? The only other squash nearby is spaghetti, and I was told that they will never cross-pollinate since one's a winter (spag) and one's a summer (zuke) variety.

*Hatchet, I don't know if you actually even read this blog, but you seem to know an awful lot about gardening, so if you're here, any advice is welcome!!
:-)




Gardening success: I nabbed this (along with 4 other 14" hanging baskets!) from the dumpster behind a flower shop about 4 weeks ago. Check it out....a little love and flower food got me this (the others are almost as impressive):

The Anonymous Blog vs. I AM A BIG FAT BITCH Blog

Okay, so I have been feeling guilty since I wrote about and posted photos of the spider on my neck. Red Flashlight sent me the lovely comment about how the dying spider (yeah, yeah) was a "poor creature" and I wrote back that I just wanted the little fucker to die. [If I had any idea how to link to a previous blog entry, I would, but for now you just have to go find it.]

THIS right here is a good reason why having an anoymous blog is cool...because Mr/s Red wouldn't know that I am an actual human being who may or may not know someone he/she knows in real life, I wouldn't have to worry about it, either, but now I have taken the form in some random person's head as being an awful human being who mercilessly allows small *things* to die slow and ugly deaths. Never mind the fact that, had that arachnid touched me again in any way, shape or form, I would have screamed so loud that Jesus incarnate would have come down out of the sky and punched me in the face repeatedly until I shut up. Nor the fact that Mr Mangulated got up and left his "dying" place (ostensibly to go to the basement...you know the story).

I'm not scared of spiders, or any insects, nor do I wish them any harm, but this thing was ON MY NECK, unbeknownst to me, and when I touched it, I freaked to the ultimate of freakdom. YUCK. I cannot say it often enough or loud enough (sorry, Jesus)...YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. YUCKYUCKYUCKYUCKYUCK

ANyhoo, I apologize to everyone and every creature and Jesus and my dead grandmothers. There, I have been absolved.

**sigh.**

"You have more rolls than a pastry truck!" ~ Spencer, age 10 to me, his long-suffering mother. There's nothing so conflicting as having a really sharp-witted child.

Above statement was immediately retracted, of course.

Sunday on the Mall

Yesterday, I was being my usual drunken summer self and went to the Pub for some company. I met two very lovely women from New York who are in town teaching at the Summer Writing Program at Naropa. We sat and discussed everything from Sugar Mamas to the Marley sons. I have swiped their images from the Naropa website, mostly just because if they're famous I want to remember that I met them!!


Tisa Bryant
Tisa Bryant’s writings, Unexplained Presence and Tzimmes, traverse the boundaries of genre, culture, and history. She is currently reworking [the curator], a meditation on identity, cinema and the lost films of imaginary auteur Justine Cable. She teaches at St. John’s University, Queens, lives in Crown Heights, Brooklyn, and is a founding editor/publisher of the hardcover annual, The Encyclopedia Project.

Akilah Oliver
New College of California
Akilah Oliver is a poet and performance artist. Her most recent publication is An Arriving Guard of Angels Thusly Coming to Greet (Farfalla, McMillan & Parrish, 2004). She is also the author of the she said dialogues: flesh memory, a book of experimental prose poetry honored by the PEN American Center’s “Open Book” program. She has read and performed her work throughout the country as a solo artist and as a founding member of the post-feminist performance arts collective, Sacred Naked Nature Girls. She has been artist in residence at Beyond Baroque Literary Arts Center in Los Angeles, and has received grants from the California Arts Council, The Flintridge Foundation and the Rockefeller Foundation. She currently teaches at the University of Colorado, Boulder. She teaches poetry and cross-genre writing workshops and courses in critical theory and cultural and literary studies.

WTF do you do when it's 98 degrees?

I tried everything...cleaning the house in prep for Bash 2007, finishing the kitchen paint, doing laundry, gardening (geeez, that was MISERABLE!), hanging up clothes in my bedroom (even hotter than the garden was), etc. My final answer: go sit on a patio somewhere, order a big tall blueberry Stoli and soda, pull out the American Spirits, and look for cute guys to make the boyfriend jealous.
For those of you in Finland who could not hear it, the b/f and I had a STELLAR argument last night, the result of which includes a video of his snoring drunk ass (soon to be posted!) and my engagement rings being deposited in his underwear drawer. I'm pretty sure that he remembers nothing of the evening's events. Charming. The video's pretty sweet. You know what? I'm going to try to figure out how to post a video RIGHT NOW. Crap, I can't figure it out...hints???

For RedFlashlight: no animals (including arachnids) were harmed during the filming. :-)

Dogs and Sweat

So here I was, planting my front yard in the million-degree heat, and this chocolate lab comes running up and slobbers all over me. No "guardian" (in Boulder, no one OWNS an animal) in sight, so I gave required love and then ignored the dog. Minutes later, my neigbor comes over and says, "Is this your dog? because she just came right in my house and freaked out Ellie" (her dog.) SOOOOO, I grabbed a leash and took the dog for a big long walk all around the park, and no one claimed her. I did hear a lot of "good find!"s, though.
I brought her home, gave her back to the neighbor (they're used to having dog shit all over the yard) and called the Humane Society. As luck would have it, I got my friend Kris on the phone and not only let her know about the dog, but also got the chance to invite her to our STELLAR 4th party. Turns out that someone had just minutes prior called in a lost dog named Marley (on our walk, I was calling her "Kelly", though she had no name tag) who ran away on Sanitas (I live at the bottom). Anyway, loving reunion ensued and it was all very cool. Oh, and my neighbor and I had assessed her age (the dog's, not the neigbor's) to a tee (1.5 years).
WHY DO LOST ANIMALS COME TO *MY* HOUSE???? It has been like this since I was little. SPIDERS (yeah, yeah, whatever) aside, animals know they're so very safe with me. I love that.

Unsafe Sex

COLUMBIA, S.C. -- Police on Wednesday were investigating how a naked couple fell four stories from the roof of a downtown office building to their deaths.
The man and woman were found near the sidewalk by a passing cab driver around 5 a.m. Wednesday. One person was pronounced dead at scene and the other died a short time later at a local hospital.
Clothing was discovered on the roof, leading authorities to suspect the couple, in their early 20s, may have been having sex. Their identities were not released.

"It's too early to rule out anything," Columbia police Sgt. Florence McCants said, but McCants said a preliminary investigation didn't show any sign of foul play.
The roof of the building is pyramid-shaped.

Welp, it happened. Check it out (click)

When I got up this morning, the spider was gone. GONE. NOT THERE. Somehow it dragged its mangulated hideous corpse off of the CD sleeve -- leaving one leg behind -- and went to the basement, where it will morph into the creature of my worst nightmares and come upstairs in the middle of the night to stick its thingy (not THAT thingy, I just forget what it's called...mandible??) into my ear and turn me to mush from the inside out and then slurp up my guts and leave behind a withered shell. This is going to be worse than a bikini wax. On the bright side, at least I'll be skinny.

For Sarah (but you can look, too):

You'll want to click on all of these pictures to enlarge them for detail.

THIS is what was on my neck tonight. I felt something itchy there, and I scratched at it, and it felt like a little pill, so of course I screamed like a girl and threw it, and it ended up all rolled into a ball on my cd case. I have been watching it drop legs and try to die for an hour now -- but it refuses to die and sometimes twitches around and I'm freaked out that any minute now it's going to turn into a 12-foot tall giant with 6 legs (and a couple of creepy gappy spaces) and then hunt me down and kill me in my own house. I am going to shudder until Saturday just thinking about it.


Funnier note: here's Greg with our buddy Fazel. Notice that he is exuding his usual charm. Imagine how mad he'd be if he knew I posted his picture here. LOL (jesus h christ on a bicycle ridden by a fish, it's moving again. shit)


Here is my little side garden after I planted it:


And the clothesline garden, before and during. I don't have an "after" photo yet:

From the mouth of the babe...

1. "Uhoh, my barn door's open, better not let out the cow!" (upon noticing that his zipper was down)

2. "Yeah, so last night I had the squirts, and it smelled like eggs and rubber. Oh, and weirdly, a little motor oil thrown in the mix."

Quote of the Day

I was screaming when I read this...tears were involved and now I am The Crazy Lady at work:

"I will forward you some pics when I get home. The one in particular that bothers me just makes me want to hide in a hole for the rest of my life. I don’t dare get a face lift or suction as I will probably end up looking like one of those people that had their ears repositioned to the backof their heads. Good grief. This aging thing is for the birds."

Thank you, Sarah!!

Backyard transformation

I bought about 400 pounds of quality dirt/planting soil, and filled in a big hole in the side of the yard that was left when an old tree was dug up. I planted some lovely flowers there, but I think they might all wither from lack of morning sun. If that happens, I'll just replace them with shade plants. Then I took this little table that I dumpster-dived from the flower shop downstairs from my office (nice how the owner caught me in the act) and put a concrete planter on it and filled it with water for a birdbath...so far the birds haven't dug it, but I guess that even if I had the Trump Palace of bird feeders, it doesn't negate the fact that there are many many lurking skulky cats in the immediate vicinity! Oh well, it looks very cute and my resin frog is having a great time lounging on it. Here is a photo of the renovation in the act:

I'll post more pictures when I'm done with this and Project Number Two, which is to remove 8000 pounds of river rocks from around the base of the clothesline pole, and fill the whole thing in with perennials. Project Number Three is to beautify the fence along the side of the front of the house. After freezing one night last week (and burning my GD spaghetti squash that I lovingly raised from seed!!!), it is now nice and hot (90) and things are starting to grow. I spent 5 hours at my community garden plot today, digging up the north half and planting everything that was left. Good thing I didn't put it all in the ground last week; the freeze would have taken most of it out. Oh, and I got a healthy sunburn on my back where my tank top meets my shorts -- or, more accurately, where it does NOT meet my shorts when I'm sitting down or bending over!

Bought myself a nice little HP Photosmart all-in-one printer, so now I can scan stuff!! Woo hoo....kid in a candy store!!

Gratuitous Pudge Shot (because he COULD NOT BE CUTER. EVER):

Cats 'n Bugs

As we speak, there is a GINORMOUS moth in my kitchen. I took these pictures of it. All I had close at hand to compare it with was a tin of Altoids. Everyone knows how big a tin of Altoids is, right? Okay, so you get it that this is one BIG ASS moth (do moths have asses???)




Gratuitous Pudge photo:

Speaking of cats, last night when we were stumbling home from the mall, a cat found us and followed us home. Wow, was this ever a SWEET kitty! His name was Merlin and he had a phone number, so we called his people. When the lady answered the phone and I told her we had her cat, she said (I shit you not), "hey, do you maybe want to keep him for another week? We're going on vacation."

Dear God.

Anyway, I said certainly not, but I was more than willing to NOT give her my address so that she could NOT come pick up the cat of which she was obviously so very very fond. In the end, she did come pick up the cat, but I let her know that we would take him if she decided that he was just too big of a burden for her lazy ass. I expect that he'll be back. He was gone for three days when we found him, which is just too sad considering that they live about 6 blocks away, right in the guts of lion country...

Spencer Quote 'O' The Day

"The whole point is to be a misfit, Mom.
It's all about being independent.
I am a strong woman, just like the mother before me!"
("only I'm not a woman...")

Fond of Panties

The caption of this photo, featured at KMGH.com, is:
"Panty Theft Victim Identifies Undergarments"
but I thought it said "Panty Theft Victim REMEMBERS Undergarments"
and I was thinking,""hmm, apparently quite fondly, too"
and then I re-read it and started laughing so hard that I might have peed a little.

WTF is this world coming to???

I ran into a roadblock this morning on the way to work. Figured out what it is:

from the Daily Camera:
"Boulder High School Locked Down Over Suspicious Incident
Boulder High School was locked down before school started
Thursday morning after two people wearing camouflage were seen near the school."

There are helicopters, state police, ambulances, etc etc all over the place. I'm guessing that the two people wearing camo are feeling pretty special right now.

Our world is fucked up, yo.

Letters to the Editor, Boulder Daily Camera 5/7/07

Help us help get kids into school

We are raising awareness, and we want other people to take part so that all children can get a good education and job. Did you know that 80 million kids are not in school because they have to work in dangerous jobs just to get enough money to get food and water?

We should be able to get those kids in school by 2015, but this can only be achieved if action is taken now.

Our fourth-grade class asked our school community members to add to our paper chain, representing our support for education, that we will send to Angela Merkel, the leader of the G8. We are also inviting people to our Global Kids Unite concert to raise awareness about all the children in the world who need all the help they can get.

The aid needed to send all children to school each year would be $10 billion. Guess how much money is spent on education in Ethiopia? Only $2.50 per child per year. That's why we are putting a lot of effort in to raising awareness for them.

Go to www.joinup.org to find out how to take action.

MADDIE VENEZIANO

KIRA SNOW

SPENCER LINDSTROM

and the fourth grade class

Flatirons Elementary

Slow Blogging

SOON, I will have something festive and interesting to blog about. I will take many pictures and dream up fanciful dialogue and create amazing artistical renditions of my emotions. But not right now. Right now, I need to get my J-O-B done and concentrate on not going crazy in the process. On top of an extremely busy period at work, it's the end of the school year crunch time for Spencer (meaning for ME as well), and I'm leaving for a conference in Vegas next Tuesday. Good timing, Deltek.

My schedule coming up (not that you need to see this, but it keeps me sane to see it all written down):

Today: Meetings all afternoon, long walk to get Spencer after school, gardening at night, class project
Tomorrow: Meetings all morning, haircut at 2, long walk to get Spencer after school, class, class project
Friday: Walk Spencer to school, WOOOOHOOOOO - no meetings (as of now), gardening at night
Saturday: Morning gardening, 12 -? Mother's Day party @ Pete & Kathy's, 5 - 8 Ellen's graduation party, 9- ? RJ's birthday party
Sunday: Morning gardening, 1 - 4 Sierra's birthday party, race to finish class project, pack
Monday: 9 - 11 Dr Gallagher, meetings thru 5, finish packing, finish class project, get all of Spencer's ducks in a row for my absence
Tuesday: Meeting in the morning, hop the plane at 1:00, EAT IN VEGAS, party @ TAO
Wednesday - Friday: CLASS CLASS CLASS CLASS
Friday: Who knows, maybe we'll get married
Saturday: POOL ALL DAY, fly home
Sunday: Work @ Plant Sale 9 am - 6 pm
Monday: Back to work

Inspiration

Sometimes I just need some. Right now my soul is bleeding. More on that later.


Dear God,
May every aspect of my being be converted to Truth.
May every cell fall into placeand serve a higher plan.
I no longer wish to be who I was.
I wish to be more.
Amen
Marianne Williamson
From Illuminated Prayers


“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ~Marianne Williamson


"It makes no sense to worry about things you have no control over because there's nothing you can do about them, and why worry about things you do control? The activity of worrying keeps you immobilized." ~Wayne Dyer

"A non-doer is very often a critic--that is, someone who sits back and watches doers, and then waxes philosophically about how the doers are doing. It's easy to be a critic, but being a doer requires effort, risk, and change. ~Wayne Dyer

WHERE'S MY MONEY?????????????

DAMMIT!

Well thank GOD

CLICK HERE

It would really have hurt in so many ways if it had been true. But, still, I'm sort of sad that it's not.

This is rich...

The best part is the third-to-last line. Trust me. I'm wondering what they did with all those "puppies".

Animals Sold Over Internet, Police Say

POSTED: 6:23 am MDT April 26, 2007
LONDON -- Thousands of Japanese residents have been 'fleeced' into buying neatly-groomed lambs they thought were poodles, The Metro newspaper of London reported Thursday.
The lambs were shipped from Great Britain and Australia to Japan by an Internet company advertising them as poodle puppies.
According to the newspaper, a Japanese actress suspected a scam after her "poodle" didn't bark and wouldn't eat dog food.
Maiko Kawakami showed photographs of her pet on a Japanese television talk show and found out it wasn't a dog -- but was in fact a lamb.
Authorities believe as many as 2,000 people have been conned.
'We launched an investigation after we were made aware that a company was selling sheep as poodles,' a police spokesman told The Sun newspaper.
One couple found out the truth only after a dog groomer told them she could not trim their poodle's claws because they were hooves.
The "poodles" sold for as much as $1,200, about half the price of poodle puppies in Japan.
The company, whose name translated as Poodles As Pets, has been shut down.

Here....

A photo (reproduced withOUT permission, mind you) of my friend Tara (on the right) and Webster. He was hanging out on the Rez or something. Maybe it was a benefit. Regardless, it's WEBSTER. And, as a bonus, if you look really closely you will notice that the chika on the left is showing an awful lot of boobage. Yowza.

Big Heavy {SIGH}

Winter storm warning remains in effect until 6 am mdt wednesday,
A winter storm warning remains in effect until 6 am mdt wednesday.
Heavy snow will develop in the mountains and foothills this morning and continue through Tuesday night. Total snow accumulations of 1 to 2 feet are expected by Wednesday morning.
Residents in the foothills should plan on heavy snowfall through tonight with travel becoming difficult especially in the higher foothills. Be prepared for possible power outages from downed tree limbs and power lines.

R.I.P., Peep

We took Peep to the vet this morning and had him put to sleep. Such nice words for what is essentially just killing them. Whatever. He was ready to go and went very peacefully and quickly after getting the shot. He didn't complain about anything, and the vet was very very nice. I guess it went as well as it could have gone, though of course I sobbed hysterically throughout. I will miss him an awful lot...he was my companion for my entire adult life!! What a personality he had, and what a brave guy to deal with his pain the way he did for the last several weeks. Not that you want to, but if you click on the picture of him by himself, you can see the lovely tumor he had on his side. YUCK. He doesn't look very well in these photos, but he still looks a lot better than he did for the past few days. He will be missed more than I can say.

Day Five

and I about to BREAK THIS BITCH. Moving for 18+ hours now, and when I say 'moving', I mean hauling somebody else's punk-ass shit down three flights of stairs and down the block and then up another flight of stairs, and this includes big boxes of books. I took a short respite for "sleep" last night -- mostly I just cried about the cat all night long and, when I did sleep, I dreamed about digging cat-sized holes in a mountainside. And aforementioned cat's death ceremony is scheduled for Monday at 9:00 am. I wouldn't be surprised if he dies before then. Selfishly, I kinda wish that would just die, because then I would feel so much better about it...playing God is not one of my fortes. As it stands right now, I took the whole day off because I know that afterward I will be inconsolably humming and rocking in the corner like a crazy person, or else I will slam my face into a brick wall instead. Either way, post-drama, it's not a professional look.

Anyhoo, I am going to happy hour this evening with a vengeance, and then I'm going home to take sleeping pills...it's not what you think, I'm talkin' Excedrin PM here...and sleep the peaceful sleep of someone with too much on her mind who has just mixed drugs and alcohol.
I'm almost salivating at the thought............droooooooooooooool.......

14 inches of thick white fun...

Expect pictures of storm #432 of the winter, the one that weill smush my pea plants and piss me off the most royally!

www.kmgh.com for the latest forecast....

Day Three

I have realized tin these past three days that I'm a huge alcoholic pussy. (Doesn't that bring a lovely visual to your mind??) Yesterday I was saying to myself (and anyone else who would listen): "Dang, my life is like the movie Airport...'dammit, I sure picked the wrong week to quit drinking!'"'

And it's true.

My department is moving to a new office on Friday, and my cat is dying. Not to mention that my house is a mess, I don't get enough exercise, and I allow my hatred of George Bush to destroy at least two minutes of my (very valuable) life every single day. Like throwing money down the toilet.

But the most important issues are the

Cat: diabetes, kidney issues, and arthritis, and he's 19 and he poops under the desk and can't pee and has to be given fluids so that he doesn't just wither away on the living room floor like a beeve in the desert sun. And, as is dictated by the evilness that just might possibly be George Bush, of course he's totally mentally perky and cute and loves us all with every creaky bone in his wasted body. I feel like someone is ripping my heart out every time I think of the decision I have to make. He is the only living creature that has managed to stay by my fickle asshole side for more than 17 years. This includes my parents and that pesky alien Kazoo.

and the

Move: what a logistical nightmare. Desks, chairs, movers, painters, boxes, tape, too much crap, NO BEER NO FUCKING BEER FUCK FUCK FUCK, and people who are unhappy with their new work spaces. Bah humbug. It's supposed to snow on Friday, because God hates me (no, wait...

...God LOVES me!! ANyhoo, snow and rain and probably the moving guys don't speak English, so how in the hell am I going to make them understand that they have to take stuff down the elevator, out the front door, load it in the truck, and then drive it around to the alley because they have to unload it all at our new building (which is next door) but they aren't allowed to use the front door of that building because the steps there are soapstone and they might get chipped?!??!?! Shit dag.

Snow forecast for this weekend.

Click on the picture. Man, I wish I would have thought of this when we had 4 feet in the front yard (for a frackin' MONTH)!

Today is the first day of the rest of my...

Will and I have decided to stop drinking (!) until Vegas. Hence, the countdown begins. May 15 is when I leave Denver. There is so much stress in my life right now that I can't believe I even agreed to this, but then again it's probably the best time to quit. Better for the mental health and all that shit. The thing is, my nightly wine is SUCH a ritual that it's scary to think of how I'm going to change it. Somehow, in the past few years, I have developed a habit wherein, once Spencer is in bed, I light a fire in the fireplace, light some incense, pour a big fat glass of wine, and have my nightly smoke while watching a TLC or Discovery Channel show that inevitably makes me cry. I guess that this habit first came into play when Spencer was a bit younger and I was a bit lonelier. Anyhoo, time to stop it. I often feel guilty about it, which doesn't contribute positively to my stress level in general. In a perfect world, I would take this opportunity to get in shape, start an exercise program, do more volunteer work, or whatever, but it's all I can do right now to quit smoking and drinking, and I think that's enough. It's going to suck a whole lot, which is how it is with most things that are good for you. Hopefully I don't end up pregnant...hey, I have to do SOMETHING to keep my mind busy!

More on the Gourd...

Randonly sent to me today...charming. And yee haw, that's the biggest one I've seen yet!!

Perhaps Sanjaya is available to model....

To see the greatest swimsuits in the history of mankind, start HERE and continue clicking NEXT in the lower right of the screen. The rewards multiply exponentially.

BWAHAHAHAAAAA

CLASSIC!!....click on the picture and look closely...

Penis gourd update...

Check this out: YIKES

It gets worse...

I guess I should shut up now...after all, she did lose 44 pounds. Then again, I have GAINED 44 pounds and it only took me three years. This fact was confirmed by my doctor yesterday. Maybe I should consult Courtney abotu her diet plan (crack and Diet Coke, I'm sure).

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK

"I have 6 pounds more to lose, maybe 11"

WTF??? Yikes, what is WRONG with Courtney Love??! I mean, we all want to lose a few pounds, but she looks like she might fall into a cartoon heap of dust at her own feet and just blow away. I mean, you can see her internal organs!! Plus, what's up with her FACE? SHe looks like she has a past in professional boxing...

Ruminating on Penis Gourds

From an email exchange this morning:

"Sheep have penis sheathes? Do they look like the penis gourds that tribal men wear? Yeesh. I saw this show once where a white guy went to Africa and hung out with some warrior tribal people and they tried to make him wear a penis gourd. Apparently, you have to twist your wiener into a little spiral and shove it in there, and once it's in, it unwinds itself like those squishy earplugs. Anyway, the guy was crying almost immediately and so they didn't make him do it in the end."

I will try to find more on this subject and add to the post later. Maybe I can even find a picture! Woo Hoo!!

Funny

Last night, Spencer and I were at the store. In the check-out line, we were perusing all the magazines because that's what you do when you're waiting in line.
There were two mags with Anna Nicole on the covers; on one, she was all dressed up and skinny and wearing make-up, and in the other she had just had her baby and was all sweaty and make-up free.
The main thing that struck me was that her lips were HUGE in the baby picture compared to the older photo. So I said to Spencer, "wow, she looks really different in these two photos!"
He looked closely at the pictures, and in a totally serious voice, he pointed at the older picture and said, "Yeah, her mustache is MUCH darker in this one."
I thought that the check-out guy was going to poop his pants.

Top, big lips (but not as big as the actual photo)
Bottom, skinny lips.

Scary.

How cute is THIS?!

In my inbox this morning:

From: "Spencer LINDSTROM"
To: mermaidisland@msn.com
Subject: HELLO
Date: Sat, 24 Mar 2007 18:48:37 +0000

Hi mom do you have a msn messanger profile? If so, we can talk on the weekends.

R.I.P.

It's Friday, and I'm...

Yo Dawg

I can’t believe that Sabrina was voted off, and that Haley girl is still around. She sucks. Okay, that's mean. She's NOT GOOD.
And then there is the issue of Sanjaya. The Gayness That Is SANJAYA. Am I wrong, or is he the gayest thing since Waylon and Madam?? Gay doesn’t come much gayer than that, and he’s only 17! He hasn’t even NEARED his full gayness yet. Now, if you know me, you know I LOVES my gays, so you can only imagine how much I am looking forward to Sanjaya in his prime. I didn't think Sundance was all that good, like, not good enough to scream out, "GIVE ME MORE HEAD!!!", but he is still better than Sanjaya. Plus, duh, there is the added bonus of the name "Head".
I'm pulling for LaQueesha (I know, I know, LaKisha, but QUEESHA is more fun to say). I can't find a picture of her, but that's okay. Instead, I found a picture of SANJAYA (from now on, his name is in all caps) and his sister, who is very pretty. They look like twins!

Ann Coulter, You Are An Ignorant Slut

'Nuff said, won't waste more energy on that scrawny hole-licker.
Okay, so Grandpa Bill would not approve, but he died yesterday, so his opinion is his own now. Geez, I loved that man. Master of all things Mariachi, and dirty jokes, and WOW was he conservative (but willing to debate, god-luv-'im), and just a great guy all around. Except for his conservativeness, which as I mentioned was a moot point and always a pivotal part of conversation with him. I am crying right now. Off to the funeral service in SoCal soon.

Quote of the Day

"An alcoholic is anyone you don't like who drinks more than you do."
-Dylan Thomas

I would like to add: "...who drinks as much as you do."

www.am-i-dumb.com

My results:

Your Number Correct: 24/25
Average Number Correct: 18.38/25
Percentile: 93.95%

I AM NOT DUMB!!! (no, i didn't cheat)