29 August 2007

On the road...

Spencer said, upon seeing a hawk in flight,

"It sure would be awesome to be able to fly. You'd never have to use your legs.
Except to stop for ice cream."

27 August 2007

What's Wrong With This Picture?

Him (drunk and yelling inappropriately at midnight): "Hey, hey, hey...let's have a contest to see who can lose 10 pounds the fastest. It would be COOL! Yeah, I'll win because I NEED to lose 10 pounds RIGHT NOW because I am a fat slob and no one loves me. HEY!!!!" (interspersed at a couple of points with, "GOD, I LOVE this FUCKIN MOVIE! Batman Begins RULES!")

Me: "No thanks." (Quietly, since Spencer is asleep (found out this morning that he actually heard every word))

Him: "What -- you want to stay the way you look NOW?" (scoffing and then laughing rudely)

Me: (silence.)

Wow, being loud and drunk on a Sunday night when your girlfriend's son is asleep right upstairs, now THAT'S cool. Never ever having to clean the house or wash the sheets or buy toilet paper or toothpaste, or scrub the toilet or sweep up dust bunnies or call the plumber or weed the garden or pay for the insurance or make sure that there's milk in the fridge -- well, that's the coolest thing of all, because apparently the Idiot Fairy takes care of all that for you even though you constantly behave like an asshole and somehow manage to top yourself nearly every single time.

I am a jackass.

Fuck that shit, I'm DONE. If you can please direct me to the store where they sell grown-up men who behave like adults (not that there's anything wrong with getting drunk and dirty on the night when the kid's at his dad's), I WILL PAY LOTS OF MONEY.

23 August 2007

Helping Spencer write a po-em

There once was a woman from France
Who refused to wear underpants.
When she stuck to the seat,
She said, "OOh, man, that's NEAT!"
And then did a victory dance.

21 August 2007

Headline of the Day

Courtesy of www.kmgh.com.

"You Could Own Barry Bonds’ Ball"

But DADDY, I want TWO of Barry's balls!!

This is what happens...

when you send a kid to Mexico with his DAD in the SUMMER. That's right, a peeling tan on top of a tan. But the Coppertone tanline is something else...

Tackle football started Monday. God, take me now.

Kitten Love

15 August 2007

"Do you love the...

sweet jiggle of lard in the morning?"
"I LOVE the sweet jiggle of lard in the morning. Smells like victory."

05 August 2007

Our friends CYNDI AND JON are moving to Belgium for six months so that Jon can go on with his bad self, racing cyclocross and generally being very cool. They sold their house here, but we all have our fingers not-so-secretly crossed that when they come back they'll find something perfect in our neighborhood.

Cyndi (actually LEAH) gave us a groovy loft bed for Spencer, which will about double the living space in his room.

Also, since it's really not best to have it in a storage unit due to weather issues, we graciously offered to keep this for them until they get back:

36 inches of flatscreen loveliness. Football season is going to ROCK this year!! (of course, we'd rather have the Baker family than a TV any day, but they will be enjoying themselves so much that it's all righht)

03 August 2007

Call of the Day

Kat, our receptionist at Rocky Mountain Institute, has lots of funny tales of phone calls she receives. Most of the callers are old men who have nothing better to do all day, so they ring us up wanting to "chat with" Amory Lovins, our Chief Scientist and co-founder, who charges something like $20K per speaking event (I know -- who the hell does he think he is, Nancy Pelosi or some shit like that?)

Needless to say, Kat must divert these calls to other people besides Amory, because he is a terribly busy man what with being brilliant and tending to his banana plants and talking to monkeys and all. Really. I have BEEN TO HIS HOUSE and he has banana plants in an arboretum in the main hall and stuffed monkeys everywhere. He talks to bonobos in zoos. TALKS to them. As in, the keepers just let him go into the cages and have tea and scones with Binky and Mfufu, and they chat up about things like current politics of the jungle and how unfair it is that monkeys can't throw poo at zoo visitors without serious repercussions.

Anyway, back to the phone calls...the best is when the caller says something like, "Uhh, yeah, um, I knew Armory [real name = AMORY] way back when, and I was just, um, wondering if he'd talk with me for just a minute about..." segueway into 5-minute detailed old man nothingness. This I know to be true, as I sit in for Kat at the front desk on a revolving basis, and yesterday I had a call during which, for SEVEN MINUTES, this old coot rambled on nonstop and I COULD NOT interrupt without hanging up on him. Fucker. So here is a good one from this morning, which Kat emailed to me after she stopped rolling convulsively on the office floor:

Kat: "Good morning, Rocky Mountain Institute"
Caller: "Hi, Can I talk to Ebony Lubbins?" [note, again: AMORY LOVINS]
Kat: "May I ask who's calling?"
Caller: "The next Pulitzer Prize winner. I woke up this morning and had the energy crisis answer!!"
Kat: "Wow, sounds like a busy morning."
Caller: "Indeed, I think I might explode!"

01 August 2007

Game of Tag

I don't know what the hell a "tag" is, but I got this list from another blog, so I'm filling it out. I guess that's what you do -- if you read this Blog, then you have to copy the list to your own Blog and fill in your own answers, right??? To keep it going...

5 things I was doing 10 years ago.
1. Dealing with a baby in very hot weather
2. Trying to lose "baby weight"
3. Wishing I lived somewhere else
4. Having dinner cocktails with Grandpa around the corner
5. Learning how to use the internet

5 snacks I enjoy
1. cheese and crackers
2. popcorn
3. nachos
4. potato chips
5. cold pizza

5 songs I know all the words to
1. All the songs on Born To Run
2. All the songs on Choclate Supa Highway
3. Random by Lady Sovereign
4. Rapper's Delight (long version) by Sugar Hill Gang
5. Smile by Lily Allen

5 things I would do if I was a millionaire
1. Buy a fabulous beach house
2. give money away - a lot of it
3. travel
4. Buy a Victorian house and re-do it (multi-millionaire, I guess!)
5. Adopt a child

5 bad habits
1. I interrupt
2. I gossip
3. I pick at my nails
4. I procrastinate
5. I drink too much

5 things I like to do
1. garden
2. sleep/read
3. hike
4. cook
5. spend time with those I love

5 things I will never wear again
1. Huskies from Sears
2. Garanimals
3. A bikini (hell, a one-piece at this point!)
4. A restaurant/gas station uniform
5. A college guy

5 of my favorite toys
1. my new 120 GB hard drive
2. my cell phone
3. my camera
4. Spencer's Game Boy
5. My kittens

OK- now I don't know who to tag- but if you read this blog and you have a blog- you are tagged. How's that!