For Sarah (but you can look, too):

You'll want to click on all of these pictures to enlarge them for detail.

THIS is what was on my neck tonight. I felt something itchy there, and I scratched at it, and it felt like a little pill, so of course I screamed like a girl and threw it, and it ended up all rolled into a ball on my cd case. I have been watching it drop legs and try to die for an hour now -- but it refuses to die and sometimes twitches around and I'm freaked out that any minute now it's going to turn into a 12-foot tall giant with 6 legs (and a couple of creepy gappy spaces) and then hunt me down and kill me in my own house. I am going to shudder until Saturday just thinking about it.


Funnier note: here's Greg with our buddy Fazel. Notice that he is exuding his usual charm. Imagine how mad he'd be if he knew I posted his picture here. LOL (jesus h christ on a bicycle ridden by a fish, it's moving again. shit)


Here is my little side garden after I planted it:


And the clothesline garden, before and during. I don't have an "after" photo yet:

From the mouth of the babe...

1. "Uhoh, my barn door's open, better not let out the cow!" (upon noticing that his zipper was down)

2. "Yeah, so last night I had the squirts, and it smelled like eggs and rubber. Oh, and weirdly, a little motor oil thrown in the mix."

Quote of the Day

I was screaming when I read this...tears were involved and now I am The Crazy Lady at work:

"I will forward you some pics when I get home. The one in particular that bothers me just makes me want to hide in a hole for the rest of my life. I don’t dare get a face lift or suction as I will probably end up looking like one of those people that had their ears repositioned to the backof their heads. Good grief. This aging thing is for the birds."

Thank you, Sarah!!

Backyard transformation

I bought about 400 pounds of quality dirt/planting soil, and filled in a big hole in the side of the yard that was left when an old tree was dug up. I planted some lovely flowers there, but I think they might all wither from lack of morning sun. If that happens, I'll just replace them with shade plants. Then I took this little table that I dumpster-dived from the flower shop downstairs from my office (nice how the owner caught me in the act) and put a concrete planter on it and filled it with water for a birdbath...so far the birds haven't dug it, but I guess that even if I had the Trump Palace of bird feeders, it doesn't negate the fact that there are many many lurking skulky cats in the immediate vicinity! Oh well, it looks very cute and my resin frog is having a great time lounging on it. Here is a photo of the renovation in the act:

I'll post more pictures when I'm done with this and Project Number Two, which is to remove 8000 pounds of river rocks from around the base of the clothesline pole, and fill the whole thing in with perennials. Project Number Three is to beautify the fence along the side of the front of the house. After freezing one night last week (and burning my GD spaghetti squash that I lovingly raised from seed!!!), it is now nice and hot (90) and things are starting to grow. I spent 5 hours at my community garden plot today, digging up the north half and planting everything that was left. Good thing I didn't put it all in the ground last week; the freeze would have taken most of it out. Oh, and I got a healthy sunburn on my back where my tank top meets my shorts -- or, more accurately, where it does NOT meet my shorts when I'm sitting down or bending over!

Bought myself a nice little HP Photosmart all-in-one printer, so now I can scan stuff!! Woo hoo....kid in a candy store!!

Gratuitous Pudge Shot (because he COULD NOT BE CUTER. EVER):

Cats 'n Bugs

As we speak, there is a GINORMOUS moth in my kitchen. I took these pictures of it. All I had close at hand to compare it with was a tin of Altoids. Everyone knows how big a tin of Altoids is, right? Okay, so you get it that this is one BIG ASS moth (do moths have asses???)




Gratuitous Pudge photo:

Speaking of cats, last night when we were stumbling home from the mall, a cat found us and followed us home. Wow, was this ever a SWEET kitty! His name was Merlin and he had a phone number, so we called his people. When the lady answered the phone and I told her we had her cat, she said (I shit you not), "hey, do you maybe want to keep him for another week? We're going on vacation."

Dear God.

Anyway, I said certainly not, but I was more than willing to NOT give her my address so that she could NOT come pick up the cat of which she was obviously so very very fond. In the end, she did come pick up the cat, but I let her know that we would take him if she decided that he was just too big of a burden for her lazy ass. I expect that he'll be back. He was gone for three days when we found him, which is just too sad considering that they live about 6 blocks away, right in the guts of lion country...

Spencer Quote 'O' The Day

"The whole point is to be a misfit, Mom.
It's all about being independent.
I am a strong woman, just like the mother before me!"
("only I'm not a woman...")

Fond of Panties

The caption of this photo, featured at KMGH.com, is:
"Panty Theft Victim Identifies Undergarments"
but I thought it said "Panty Theft Victim REMEMBERS Undergarments"
and I was thinking,""hmm, apparently quite fondly, too"
and then I re-read it and started laughing so hard that I might have peed a little.

WTF is this world coming to???

I ran into a roadblock this morning on the way to work. Figured out what it is:

from the Daily Camera:
"Boulder High School Locked Down Over Suspicious Incident
Boulder High School was locked down before school started
Thursday morning after two people wearing camouflage were seen near the school."

There are helicopters, state police, ambulances, etc etc all over the place. I'm guessing that the two people wearing camo are feeling pretty special right now.

Our world is fucked up, yo.

Letters to the Editor, Boulder Daily Camera 5/7/07

Help us help get kids into school

We are raising awareness, and we want other people to take part so that all children can get a good education and job. Did you know that 80 million kids are not in school because they have to work in dangerous jobs just to get enough money to get food and water?

We should be able to get those kids in school by 2015, but this can only be achieved if action is taken now.

Our fourth-grade class asked our school community members to add to our paper chain, representing our support for education, that we will send to Angela Merkel, the leader of the G8. We are also inviting people to our Global Kids Unite concert to raise awareness about all the children in the world who need all the help they can get.

The aid needed to send all children to school each year would be $10 billion. Guess how much money is spent on education in Ethiopia? Only $2.50 per child per year. That's why we are putting a lot of effort in to raising awareness for them.

Go to www.joinup.org to find out how to take action.

MADDIE VENEZIANO

KIRA SNOW

SPENCER LINDSTROM

and the fourth grade class

Flatirons Elementary

Slow Blogging

SOON, I will have something festive and interesting to blog about. I will take many pictures and dream up fanciful dialogue and create amazing artistical renditions of my emotions. But not right now. Right now, I need to get my J-O-B done and concentrate on not going crazy in the process. On top of an extremely busy period at work, it's the end of the school year crunch time for Spencer (meaning for ME as well), and I'm leaving for a conference in Vegas next Tuesday. Good timing, Deltek.

My schedule coming up (not that you need to see this, but it keeps me sane to see it all written down):

Today: Meetings all afternoon, long walk to get Spencer after school, gardening at night, class project
Tomorrow: Meetings all morning, haircut at 2, long walk to get Spencer after school, class, class project
Friday: Walk Spencer to school, WOOOOHOOOOO - no meetings (as of now), gardening at night
Saturday: Morning gardening, 12 -? Mother's Day party @ Pete & Kathy's, 5 - 8 Ellen's graduation party, 9- ? RJ's birthday party
Sunday: Morning gardening, 1 - 4 Sierra's birthday party, race to finish class project, pack
Monday: 9 - 11 Dr Gallagher, meetings thru 5, finish packing, finish class project, get all of Spencer's ducks in a row for my absence
Tuesday: Meeting in the morning, hop the plane at 1:00, EAT IN VEGAS, party @ TAO
Wednesday - Friday: CLASS CLASS CLASS CLASS
Friday: Who knows, maybe we'll get married
Saturday: POOL ALL DAY, fly home
Sunday: Work @ Plant Sale 9 am - 6 pm
Monday: Back to work

Inspiration

Sometimes I just need some. Right now my soul is bleeding. More on that later.


Dear God,
May every aspect of my being be converted to Truth.
May every cell fall into placeand serve a higher plan.
I no longer wish to be who I was.
I wish to be more.
Amen
Marianne Williamson
From Illuminated Prayers


“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ~Marianne Williamson


"It makes no sense to worry about things you have no control over because there's nothing you can do about them, and why worry about things you do control? The activity of worrying keeps you immobilized." ~Wayne Dyer

"A non-doer is very often a critic--that is, someone who sits back and watches doers, and then waxes philosophically about how the doers are doing. It's easy to be a critic, but being a doer requires effort, risk, and change. ~Wayne Dyer

WHERE'S MY MONEY?????????????

DAMMIT!

Well thank GOD

CLICK HERE

It would really have hurt in so many ways if it had been true. But, still, I'm sort of sad that it's not.

This is rich...

The best part is the third-to-last line. Trust me. I'm wondering what they did with all those "puppies".

Animals Sold Over Internet, Police Say

POSTED: 6:23 am MDT April 26, 2007
LONDON -- Thousands of Japanese residents have been 'fleeced' into buying neatly-groomed lambs they thought were poodles, The Metro newspaper of London reported Thursday.
The lambs were shipped from Great Britain and Australia to Japan by an Internet company advertising them as poodle puppies.
According to the newspaper, a Japanese actress suspected a scam after her "poodle" didn't bark and wouldn't eat dog food.
Maiko Kawakami showed photographs of her pet on a Japanese television talk show and found out it wasn't a dog -- but was in fact a lamb.
Authorities believe as many as 2,000 people have been conned.
'We launched an investigation after we were made aware that a company was selling sheep as poodles,' a police spokesman told The Sun newspaper.
One couple found out the truth only after a dog groomer told them she could not trim their poodle's claws because they were hooves.
The "poodles" sold for as much as $1,200, about half the price of poodle puppies in Japan.
The company, whose name translated as Poodles As Pets, has been shut down.

Here....

A photo (reproduced withOUT permission, mind you) of my friend Tara (on the right) and Webster. He was hanging out on the Rez or something. Maybe it was a benefit. Regardless, it's WEBSTER. And, as a bonus, if you look really closely you will notice that the chika on the left is showing an awful lot of boobage. Yowza.

Big Heavy {SIGH}

Winter storm warning remains in effect until 6 am mdt wednesday,
A winter storm warning remains in effect until 6 am mdt wednesday.
Heavy snow will develop in the mountains and foothills this morning and continue through Tuesday night. Total snow accumulations of 1 to 2 feet are expected by Wednesday morning.
Residents in the foothills should plan on heavy snowfall through tonight with travel becoming difficult especially in the higher foothills. Be prepared for possible power outages from downed tree limbs and power lines.

R.I.P., Peep

We took Peep to the vet this morning and had him put to sleep. Such nice words for what is essentially just killing them. Whatever. He was ready to go and went very peacefully and quickly after getting the shot. He didn't complain about anything, and the vet was very very nice. I guess it went as well as it could have gone, though of course I sobbed hysterically throughout. I will miss him an awful lot...he was my companion for my entire adult life!! What a personality he had, and what a brave guy to deal with his pain the way he did for the last several weeks. Not that you want to, but if you click on the picture of him by himself, you can see the lovely tumor he had on his side. YUCK. He doesn't look very well in these photos, but he still looks a lot better than he did for the past few days. He will be missed more than I can say.

Day Five

and I about to BREAK THIS BITCH. Moving for 18+ hours now, and when I say 'moving', I mean hauling somebody else's punk-ass shit down three flights of stairs and down the block and then up another flight of stairs, and this includes big boxes of books. I took a short respite for "sleep" last night -- mostly I just cried about the cat all night long and, when I did sleep, I dreamed about digging cat-sized holes in a mountainside. And aforementioned cat's death ceremony is scheduled for Monday at 9:00 am. I wouldn't be surprised if he dies before then. Selfishly, I kinda wish that would just die, because then I would feel so much better about it...playing God is not one of my fortes. As it stands right now, I took the whole day off because I know that afterward I will be inconsolably humming and rocking in the corner like a crazy person, or else I will slam my face into a brick wall instead. Either way, post-drama, it's not a professional look.

Anyhoo, I am going to happy hour this evening with a vengeance, and then I'm going home to take sleeping pills...it's not what you think, I'm talkin' Excedrin PM here...and sleep the peaceful sleep of someone with too much on her mind who has just mixed drugs and alcohol.
I'm almost salivating at the thought............droooooooooooooool.......

14 inches of thick white fun...

Expect pictures of storm #432 of the winter, the one that weill smush my pea plants and piss me off the most royally!

www.kmgh.com for the latest forecast....

Day Three

I have realized tin these past three days that I'm a huge alcoholic pussy. (Doesn't that bring a lovely visual to your mind??) Yesterday I was saying to myself (and anyone else who would listen): "Dang, my life is like the movie Airport...'dammit, I sure picked the wrong week to quit drinking!'"'

And it's true.

My department is moving to a new office on Friday, and my cat is dying. Not to mention that my house is a mess, I don't get enough exercise, and I allow my hatred of George Bush to destroy at least two minutes of my (very valuable) life every single day. Like throwing money down the toilet.

But the most important issues are the

Cat: diabetes, kidney issues, and arthritis, and he's 19 and he poops under the desk and can't pee and has to be given fluids so that he doesn't just wither away on the living room floor like a beeve in the desert sun. And, as is dictated by the evilness that just might possibly be George Bush, of course he's totally mentally perky and cute and loves us all with every creaky bone in his wasted body. I feel like someone is ripping my heart out every time I think of the decision I have to make. He is the only living creature that has managed to stay by my fickle asshole side for more than 17 years. This includes my parents and that pesky alien Kazoo.

and the

Move: what a logistical nightmare. Desks, chairs, movers, painters, boxes, tape, too much crap, NO BEER NO FUCKING BEER FUCK FUCK FUCK, and people who are unhappy with their new work spaces. Bah humbug. It's supposed to snow on Friday, because God hates me (no, wait...

...God LOVES me!! ANyhoo, snow and rain and probably the moving guys don't speak English, so how in the hell am I going to make them understand that they have to take stuff down the elevator, out the front door, load it in the truck, and then drive it around to the alley because they have to unload it all at our new building (which is next door) but they aren't allowed to use the front door of that building because the steps there are soapstone and they might get chipped?!??!?! Shit dag.

Snow forecast for this weekend.

Click on the picture. Man, I wish I would have thought of this when we had 4 feet in the front yard (for a frackin' MONTH)!

Today is the first day of the rest of my...

Will and I have decided to stop drinking (!) until Vegas. Hence, the countdown begins. May 15 is when I leave Denver. There is so much stress in my life right now that I can't believe I even agreed to this, but then again it's probably the best time to quit. Better for the mental health and all that shit. The thing is, my nightly wine is SUCH a ritual that it's scary to think of how I'm going to change it. Somehow, in the past few years, I have developed a habit wherein, once Spencer is in bed, I light a fire in the fireplace, light some incense, pour a big fat glass of wine, and have my nightly smoke while watching a TLC or Discovery Channel show that inevitably makes me cry. I guess that this habit first came into play when Spencer was a bit younger and I was a bit lonelier. Anyhoo, time to stop it. I often feel guilty about it, which doesn't contribute positively to my stress level in general. In a perfect world, I would take this opportunity to get in shape, start an exercise program, do more volunteer work, or whatever, but it's all I can do right now to quit smoking and drinking, and I think that's enough. It's going to suck a whole lot, which is how it is with most things that are good for you. Hopefully I don't end up pregnant...hey, I have to do SOMETHING to keep my mind busy!

More on the Gourd...

Randonly sent to me today...charming. And yee haw, that's the biggest one I've seen yet!!

Perhaps Sanjaya is available to model....

To see the greatest swimsuits in the history of mankind, start HERE and continue clicking NEXT in the lower right of the screen. The rewards multiply exponentially.

BWAHAHAHAAAAA

CLASSIC!!....click on the picture and look closely...

Penis gourd update...

Check this out: YIKES

It gets worse...

I guess I should shut up now...after all, she did lose 44 pounds. Then again, I have GAINED 44 pounds and it only took me three years. This fact was confirmed by my doctor yesterday. Maybe I should consult Courtney abotu her diet plan (crack and Diet Coke, I'm sure).

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK

"I have 6 pounds more to lose, maybe 11"

WTF??? Yikes, what is WRONG with Courtney Love??! I mean, we all want to lose a few pounds, but she looks like she might fall into a cartoon heap of dust at her own feet and just blow away. I mean, you can see her internal organs!! Plus, what's up with her FACE? SHe looks like she has a past in professional boxing...

Ruminating on Penis Gourds

From an email exchange this morning:

"Sheep have penis sheathes? Do they look like the penis gourds that tribal men wear? Yeesh. I saw this show once where a white guy went to Africa and hung out with some warrior tribal people and they tried to make him wear a penis gourd. Apparently, you have to twist your wiener into a little spiral and shove it in there, and once it's in, it unwinds itself like those squishy earplugs. Anyway, the guy was crying almost immediately and so they didn't make him do it in the end."

I will try to find more on this subject and add to the post later. Maybe I can even find a picture! Woo Hoo!!

Funny

Last night, Spencer and I were at the store. In the check-out line, we were perusing all the magazines because that's what you do when you're waiting in line.
There were two mags with Anna Nicole on the covers; on one, she was all dressed up and skinny and wearing make-up, and in the other she had just had her baby and was all sweaty and make-up free.
The main thing that struck me was that her lips were HUGE in the baby picture compared to the older photo. So I said to Spencer, "wow, she looks really different in these two photos!"
He looked closely at the pictures, and in a totally serious voice, he pointed at the older picture and said, "Yeah, her mustache is MUCH darker in this one."
I thought that the check-out guy was going to poop his pants.

Top, big lips (but not as big as the actual photo)
Bottom, skinny lips.

Scary.

How cute is THIS?!

In my inbox this morning:

From: "Spencer LINDSTROM"
To: mermaidisland@msn.com
Subject: HELLO
Date: Sat, 24 Mar 2007 18:48:37 +0000

Hi mom do you have a msn messanger profile? If so, we can talk on the weekends.

R.I.P.

It's Friday, and I'm...

Yo Dawg

I can’t believe that Sabrina was voted off, and that Haley girl is still around. She sucks. Okay, that's mean. She's NOT GOOD.
And then there is the issue of Sanjaya. The Gayness That Is SANJAYA. Am I wrong, or is he the gayest thing since Waylon and Madam?? Gay doesn’t come much gayer than that, and he’s only 17! He hasn’t even NEARED his full gayness yet. Now, if you know me, you know I LOVES my gays, so you can only imagine how much I am looking forward to Sanjaya in his prime. I didn't think Sundance was all that good, like, not good enough to scream out, "GIVE ME MORE HEAD!!!", but he is still better than Sanjaya. Plus, duh, there is the added bonus of the name "Head".
I'm pulling for LaQueesha (I know, I know, LaKisha, but QUEESHA is more fun to say). I can't find a picture of her, but that's okay. Instead, I found a picture of SANJAYA (from now on, his name is in all caps) and his sister, who is very pretty. They look like twins!

Ann Coulter, You Are An Ignorant Slut

'Nuff said, won't waste more energy on that scrawny hole-licker.
Okay, so Grandpa Bill would not approve, but he died yesterday, so his opinion is his own now. Geez, I loved that man. Master of all things Mariachi, and dirty jokes, and WOW was he conservative (but willing to debate, god-luv-'im), and just a great guy all around. Except for his conservativeness, which as I mentioned was a moot point and always a pivotal part of conversation with him. I am crying right now. Off to the funeral service in SoCal soon.

Quote of the Day

"An alcoholic is anyone you don't like who drinks more than you do."
-Dylan Thomas

I would like to add: "...who drinks as much as you do."

www.am-i-dumb.com

My results:

Your Number Correct: 24/25
Average Number Correct: 18.38/25
Percentile: 93.95%

I AM NOT DUMB!!! (no, i didn't cheat)

Math frustration

Monday

Back at work
Bleh
Back to the doctor with Spencer in an hour
Bleh
Enrolled in eDiets.com today
I have already eaten 3/4 of my allowed calories and I am facing starvation
Nothing like yougrt for dinner
And NO WINE. Sucks to yer assmar.
Welcome to Monday

Silly Saturday

SO, I have been stranded at home since Friday Feb. 16, chained down by a very sick kid. Spencer had some version of the flu, plus a massive ear infection that ruptured on Tuesday night but was still leaking nastiness this morning after almost 4 days of antibiotics. Ewwwwww. Poor, poor sad kiddo. I forget sometimes that he's still a little kid! Lucky for you, I didn't take pictures. I was too exhausted. I spent every day trying to take a nap but was hindered by any number of things...it doesn't help at all that there is a house being built across the street and they like to start in with the nail gun any time after 7:00 am. At night, I waited for Spencer to fall asleep and then drank wine like a fish in the hope of self-medicating myself into at least 6 hours of unconciousness, which never happened because God likes to remind those of us who are considering parenthood again that IT SUCKS sometimes. Great birth control!! Anyway, of course, Spencer slept like a log as long as the meds were kicked in! We knew exactly when they wore off because he would sit up like he'd been poked with a cattle prod, and start screaming. He's feeling better now, so his dad came to get him this morning. We were a bit concerned how the weather would be, given that I was receiving "BLIZZARD WARNING" and "STORM WARNING" email notices all yesterday, but not only has it NOT snowed in Boulder today, it has actually been very sunny and quite warm. I guess that, though, just east of Denver, there was a 35-car pileup on I-70 this morning. What a difference a few miles makes in Colorado's weather scheme! Then again, maybe everyone on the road was from Texas or California.

My Valentine Card to You

www.MySurvey.com

feel free to join, it will get me 150 points!

I just took a MySurvey survey (duh), and it asked me where I get my trash bags. There was the standard list of store names, and then there was the option "Other: please explain." I wrote: "I steal them from work."

Now here is my question: are the MySurvey people going to contact the president of my company and snitch on me?

I have a good defense in that *I* am the one who hauls my ass to Costco every other week to buy office stuff -- ON THE WEEKEND, mind you -- and then I have to heave it all upstairs (we have an elevator, but STILL), and unload it, and recycle the boxes. I feel that I am entitled to a few measly trash bags for all this effort. But still I have this weird little nagging itchy thing in the back of my head telling me that I should never have admitted that out loud (as it were). It would be a pretty big dumbass who could get fired for stealing trash bags...so leave it up to me!

Female Trouble

Last night, for any number of reasons (WILL), I couldn't get to sleep. So, I decided to watch the John Waters movie "Female Trouble," starring a bunch of very very bad actors and Divine. There was a lot of penis action going on, including Divine raping himself, though it wasn't really 'rape', per se, because both Divines were enjoying themselves and the girl Divine was a total whore to begin with (not that I'm saying that she ASKED FOR IT or anything, but this IS a John Waters movie -- so all feminists can relax your sphincters now). I think I can make it through my dying day without ever again seeing a naked hippie's flaccid, uncircumsized penis, but regardless, I highly recommend the movie if only to appreciate the severity of the terrible acting. It's quite fabulous where that's concerned.


Here is a good review!

Laugh til you cry

Spencer and I were lying in bed last night watching the news (AI had just ended), and the weather guy said, "in the morning, fog will be dense in spots"

I said to Spencer, "YOU're dense in spots! This spot in particular" and I rapped him on the head. He started giggling like he was going to say something silly, and he replied, "you're dense in spots, too, right around the crot-ch!" and we both started laughing hysterically because I knew right then that he didn't know what "dense" meant, and he thought he had just made a dirty joke....

So I said, "'Dense' means THICK," and that made the crotch reference even funnier to both of us...after about 5 minutes of shrieking laughter, he said, "I thought it meant WET!" (which, of course I had deduced by that point, but it was too much)

Nothing like a laugh that makes you cry.

Wounded Knee

Have you ever broken your kneecap? Well, I have...tonight...on the edge of the bathroom vanity, no less. There were no mafia guys or drug kingpins involved. I was playing with Spencer and biffed in just the right way on the corner of the sink. And I'm here to tell you that it hurts more than anything in the whole world (keep in mind, I have been in labor and birthed a child). It looks like nothing but drove me to my knees crying for about 10 minutes (...actually I was not on my knees -- ouch -- I was laying on the floor screaming), and can ruin the effects of a gorgeous new hairdo. Proof positive! I look like Farrah Fawcett crossed with WC Fields after a heroin binge that left him/her/it with the visage of a boiled cabbage.



P.S. I think that the show House would be a lot better without the House guy. His surly asshole non-doctory attitude got boring after about 15 minutes of the first show. But alas, the remote is across the room and I can't change the channel, so there you go. MUST WATCH HOUSE (where the hell are my drugs???????????????)

My Birfday

I am frick-frackin' OLD. Jeeeeeeezus. Take me now...I'm comin' Elizabeth!!

The loveliness awaiting me at home:


After one glass of champagne:

The rejects:

Judy Judy Judy

A bowl-scrubbing chimp...what a concept!

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. -- An escaped chimpanzee at the Little Rock Zoo raided a kitchen cupboard and did a little cleaning with a toilet brush before sedatives knocked her out on top of a refrigerator.
The 120-pound primate, Judy, escaped yesterday into a service area when a zookeeper opened a door to her sleeping quarters, unaware the animal was still inside.
As keepers tried to woo Judy back into her cage, she rummaged through a refrigerator where chimp snacks are stored. She opened kitchen cupboards, pulled out juice and soft drinks and took a swig from bottles she managed to open.

Keeper Ann Rademacher says Judy went into the bathroom, picked up a toilet brush and cleaned the toilet. Rademacher says the 37-year-old Judy was a house pet before the zoo acquired her in 1988, so she may have been familiar with housekeeping chores. Judy wrung out a sponge and scrubbed down the fridge.
It took a couple of tries, but the zoo sedated the chimp, who fell asleep on top of the refrigerator with half a loaf of cinnamon-raisin bread she had pulled out of the freezer.
The zoo veterinarian gave Judy a drug to bring her around. Rademacher says Judy was groggy but fine after the episode.
The zoo says there was no danger Judy would get out of the primate keepers service area and onto zoo grounds.

I just remembered something SO stupid and SO random that I had to jot it down.

Okay, so in college I had a huge cold sore on my chin, and in class this guy asked me what it was. When I told him it was a "cold sore thingy," he said, "how the hell do you get herpes on your CHIN?"
And I responded, "well, DUH, I practice really safe sex!"
And then I proceeded to laugh hystercially for like 10 minutes even though it wasn't really funny. i was just embarrassed that I had a ginormous herpe on my chin.

Why I thought of that is a mystery, though it may ultimately have something to do with the gross cold sore that I'm sporting on my bottom lip right now. Look how UGLY this is! Lucky for me that my boyfriend is blind. Please pardon the straight-up-the-nose shot...and if you are a sharpie and happen to notice the red spot on my nose, it's a cat wound. Stupid cat.



Oh, and my kid is a weirdo. Yes, those are my maroon cowboy boots, and YES he is wearing leggings and a Black Sabbath t-shirt. Oy.

Proof of Global Warming....

No, these are not duplicates of the photos I have posted for the past three weeks. It has happened AGAIN. Shoot me now (or shoot me a ticket to the islands...) Through this most recent nightmare, I have doggedly held to my no-drinking resolve. What is WRONG with me?!?? We're walking downtown to Rhumba for cheap happy hour eats this afternoon (after skipping work, oh well), and I may have to break down and have a Mojito Lite (no simple syrup, just club soda and rum and mint). It is Friday, after all.

Ah, the Joys of Modern Medicine

Back when I worked in the medical field, I heard the truth about the origins of female hormone replacement therapy remedies (menopause drugs) and how they were obtained from pregnant horses. Read about it HERE

They are no longer selling as much of this crap since it has been proven that swallowing the condensed urine of pregnant horses is not a good thing for old ladies. Hence, the horses and the resultant foals are now the ones suffering -- even more so than they were when they were pinned into stalls, pregnant, and being held hostage for something as ridiculous as their PEE. And people in the "third world" are the wild savage heathens?!? (Think: ground-up dried gorilla hands make you more virile, or sun bear bladders give you a 3-day boner.) WHATEVER!! ANyhoo, now the horses are being sold for slaughter. Makes me want to cry when I think of forcing a beautiful animal to spend its life strapped up in a little booth and pissing in a bottle so that one of our own doesn't have to experience hot flashes. Humans suck.

Do something about it at WWW.PMURESCUE.ORG (for whatever reason, Blogger doesn't like the link...)

Oo-oo Chiiiiild, things are gonna get easier...

Stupid snow. I could handle it if we didn't have ANY MORE for the whole rest of the season!

Bright note: we got a new trash can for the kitchen. Spencer found a novel use for the box...



The Beginning...


The End...

3. Cats

Peep is old, and Pudge is a FREAK. Peep will not be here next Christmas, perhaps not even until my birthday, so Spencer took some pictures of him for posterity. Pudge is obsessed with tissue paper and has dragged it all over the house to create little nests. When he caught me photographing him in a nest last night, he got all pissed off and stomped away from his new bed.
I believe it was he who took a crap on the kitchen floor today.

PEEP

PEEP

PUDGE ASLEEP

PUDGE AWAKE AND MAD

PUDGE GONE