So, last night I had another one of my "bad mom" dreams in which I do something awful to Spencer and wake up in a panic. Last night, it went like this:
Spencer was being bratty and I was chasing him around the room, getting angrier and angrier. I reached out to grab him or smack him, I don't know which, and my hand was sort of cupped and it smashed onto his face when he jumped to run away again. He ran screaming upstairs and I went to bed and didn't think about it again. During the night, Will was muttering in his sleep about what a horrid bitch I was for hurting my child that way. When I woke up (this is still in my dream, FYI -- I often sleep in my dreams), I thought it had been a dream but then I saw Spencer and his nose appeared to be broken or bruised. Troy was there and he started crying, and Spencer was crying, and I wasn't. The whole time I didn't cry. It was decided that Spencer would go live with his dad. The worst part was when I tried to hug Spencer goodbye and he pulled away and said, "I don't love you any more," and I understood. I concocted a plan to buy us matching necklaces with the Chinese symbol for "respect," as if that would solve the problem.
There are more intricate details. of course, since I have very vivid dreams, but that was the jist of it. Once again, I was physically abusive and, once again, Spencer hated me. I think I'm having flashbacks from slapping him out of sheer frustration when he was about 2 -4 and we were living on our own. He was so stubborn, and I was so exhausted, that sometimes I couldn't help it. Well, I could have helped it but at the time I didn't have the energy to solve the problem ina rational manner, I suppose. When I think about it now it makes me want to die.
2 comments:
FYI - When my daughter was about 2 1/2 I slapped her out of frustration. I think there are VERY few parents, if they were totally honest, who have not done this. It is now so politically incorrect to get physical in any way with your child that almost no-one would admit to doing anything like that. Sad, really, because I happen to believe that a well timed smack every now and again does nothing but good in the long run... (we're not talking about beating them to pulpy messes here)
Thanks for your support...I slapped him in the FACE, though, ugh, it haunts me to this day because it is such a horribly demeaning thing to do to a child. True, there was no pulpy mess (not that I don't ponder it sometimes, now that he's almost 10 and has the mouth of a frat boy!), but it eats at me just the same....sigh.
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