I have been hasty in my decision to accept no blame. So, let it be stated that, compliments of my son (wise at 10), I know that I had a lot to do with my recent break-up. I often took W for granted, I was too lax in my insistence that we seek help as a couple, I drank too much and said things I didn't mean (oh, wait, I did that the other day, too...shit), etc etc. I tried to change him and that was wrong; it would have been more acceptable, and might have even worked, if I explained WHY I was doing it. Instead, starting about last January, I sat alone in the other living room on the nights that he was home, and ignored what was going on between us (nothing).
I was very passive-aggressive, saying things like, "well, I was HOPING that you would want to stay home and talk with me instead of going to that damned bar to play pool with your buddies." I told him often -- and I stil believe this, actually -- that the bar and his drinking friends (oh, and the college pootie that apparently he is loving on these days) were more important than our relationship, and more worthy in his mind of his time. Boy howdy, he proved me right on that one! But still, I could have and should have handled it (and most other things) a lot differently.
I wish that now he would just grab his balls in his hand and agree to meet me to talk. I think that he would be surprised that I have a lot of negative things to say about myself, too. It takes two to fuck up a relationship, although it really only takes one to decide that it's over.
And I have positive things to say: he's funny, smart, kind, friendly, people like him, he's handsome, good with kids, willing to help always, he drives at night and in the snow, he's a hard worker, good in the sack, and loving. Just to name a few things. I won't go too far on the negative side because this is a public forum and there's no reason to be intentionally nasty. Buuuuut, he is immature, an alcoholic, unwilling to face certain truths and work to make them better, and generally lazy about making himself a better person. Please note that I myself identify way too closely with all but the immature part!
(Romans 14:1, 4, 12, 22)
Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgment on disputable matters...Who are you to judge someone else's servant? To his own master he stands or falls...So then each of us will give an account of himself to God...So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God.
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2 comments:
I know it's weird of me, a perfect stranger, to respond to this post. But I just gotta!
It's ironic that people can be wonderful, funny, special and just basically good, and nevertheless incapable of being in a grown-up partnership. (At least for now, with this person, at this time, in these circumstances.)
It's a lonely thing to face. That's why it's so hard to walk away.
But you have the right to walk away, regardless of what you MAYBE coulda shoulda done differently. I mean, you're wise enough to acknowledge that you played a part in the breakup. That's very cool of you. But it's almost totally irrelevant to where you are now, and what futures are opening up for you! Trying to talk to him about it is like trying to put out a fire with a squirt gun, that's oh, by the way, full of gasoline.
I had a bf once who was addicted to pot. I mean, beyond beyond addicted. He had to get high every day, once in the morning and once at night, and sometimes in his car at lunch. His mom got him on it when he was just a little boy. He wanted to quit before we were dating, then when we were dating, then while I was leaving, then after I was gone. He still wants to quit. He thinks he can't. That's why I left.
He was funny, smart, kind, friendly, people like him, he's handsome, good with kids . . . sheesh. Your ex could be my ex with a different drug of choice.
The alcohol is a complication that relationships NEVER survive. It's not a question of whose fault it is. Either way, you deserve better. I can tell from reading your blog.
Thanks very much for your kind words. I grew up a lot in the shadow of this break-up, and I have a load more self-worth for it. What's funny is, though, he and I DID get together and talk, and it was amazing. We decided one Friday that we were both miserable, and we called each other at the same time, which was very odd because we hadn't spoken for days prior. There was no alcohol involved when we met, of course, and no sex. It was just flat-out honesty from both of us and a lot of it was tough to hear, but it was spoken instead of being smothered, and decisions were made after the tears stopped. One of those decisions was that we would start "dating" with no strings attached (out of respect for each other, it's monogamous until/unless one or both of us decides that it's over)...and this has been AWESOME. We have been getting along swimmingly. Arrangements have been made to go to therapy (together and apart), and I don't have to see him if he's been drinking (which he is working on). I never ever in one million years thought it would work out this way. It's truly amazing what you learn once you stop pointing fingers, and interrupting, and just plain not listening. BUT, I am being cautious, and I know that this is in essence a "honeymoon period" that we have to get through and see where it goes from there. If it doesn't work out, then that's okay. At least we will have put forth some effort and shown each other respect this time around. Sorry about your ex...I got lucky, I know, that mine is one of the very few willing to actually try...and I have decided not to blog much in the furture about he and I, not for fear of jinxing anything, but simply because I feel that it's pretty private at this point. If I get mad again, though, you can expect some serious poo to be flying around in this little sphere of cyberspace!! ;-)
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