Courtesy of the BG News

" Sunday 3:04 a.m.
Two men reported to be peeing on cars on East Merry Street. They were nowhere to be found when police arrived."

Peeing. That's a silly word. But of course they were gone when cops arrived....how long does it take to pee?? (If you're me, this morning, it takes like 5 minutes....but perhaps that's TMI.)

I was just thinkin'...

...today in the car, while listening to "Accidentally In Love," by the Counting Crows (theme song of Shrek II), that if the ogres were from certain parts of Asia, they would be "Occidentally In Love."

Ha.

Ha.

Dear god, I've finally lost it. Send the plane tickets...any place warm and beachy will do!

Priorities

Well, DUH!!! SAVE THE BEER, SAVE THE BEER!!

Okay, okay, calm down...I'm just kidding. She is a horrible awful human being who should be sent to rehab for the rest of her life. But the headline struck my funny bone (you know, the one in my head).

Being a person who has endured the sheer uncomfortableness of being pulled over for suspicion of DUI herself (though no kids in my car, I'm not that stupid), and later attended "alcohol class"*, I can attest to the fact that there are more women like her than you would suspect.

*"alcohol class", in my case and that of many others, consisted of 24 total extruciating hours of listening to a self-important creepy little fat man talk about how miserable his family life was, and extolling the virtues of sleeping pills and divorce. Well worth the $1,200 I shelled out for HIM to teach ME something, wasn't it?? It makes my blood boil just to think about it.

Graspy

This woman is serious. Dead serious.

" 'And referring to weiner poopie? Oh my gosh.' " Spencer has been walking around saying this for an hour now and laughing his head off.

YouTubeWeinerPoopieVideo

He Said It

Me: "Barack won in Illinois."

Spencer: "WOO HOO"

Me: "Hillary won in Arkansas."

Spencer: "BOO"

Me: "What's wrong with Hillary?"

Spencer: "I just can't see a woman running the military."

Me: WHOMP WHOMP WHOMP WHOMP (the sound of my head repeatedly banging onto a brick wall, over and over and over and over and over and over)

What Spencer and I saw..

walking across 55th Street in southeast Boulder:


This isn't the same one, because I was driving and couldn't get a picture. It must live around there, because the people walking down the sidewalk didn't look the least bit surprised. We certainly were!! It was a reallly big one, too, with gorgeous feathers, so someone must feed it. I guess that if they live at the Denver Zoo year-round, then they can live on a Colorado farm, too.

Happy Birthday to Me (yesterday)

1. New, short, haircut (pictures when I look better)
2. ALL DAY at the Pub. Too much wine.
3. Wicked huge fight with Will. Rings given back, yelling, crying, over nothing more than my insecurity. This after he brought me tiramisu with a candle. What a drunken bitch I can be. Oops.
4. Pretty new ring (from Wolf) pretty new earrings from Maija, et al
5. Sigh.

Me to Spencer: "why aren't you over here scratching my back?"
Spencer: "because I'm over here watching Jethro lick his balls."
Me (to self): "I got nuthin."

8 Days

Booze-free. Wow. And I LIKE it, that's the weirdest thing! I joined the Y last weekend (nah, I haven't gone yet), I'm getting things done at home (hence no Y trips), I'm getting things done at work, and I can SLEEP and wake up feeling like I'm able to face the day. Wow.

Busy Busy Busy!

Photos Galore: Trip to NY with family, Christmas morning...and WHITE CHRISTMAS!! (in reverse order)
I'm simply loading the pictures now...will come back later and edit to include captions and delete anything that makes anyone look fat or ugly. LOL
Cheers and Merry Christmas!!

TAGGED - wow, a first!

I'm late to the game so everyone I know has probably already been tagged. Oh well. Do it if you like. So here we go:

The Rules:

1) Put your iTunes/ music player on Shuffle
2) For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3) YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER WHAT(this is in capital letters, so it is very serious. No hiding your showtunes, folks!)

After you’ve answered all of the questions, tag 5 other people and then let them know they’ve been tagged to do the meme themselves!

1) IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY? Financial Leprosy - Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy

2) WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY? Operation Ardent - Buju Banton

3) WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL? pure pretty gal - Beenie Man (yikes, I didn't know that about myself)

4) HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? Ghetto Scandalous - Zola (seriously! I'm stone cold ghetto scandalous!)

5) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE? Go Back Home - Half Pint (wow)

6) WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO? Funky Nassau - Baja Men (that's about right)

7) WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU? Eve of Reality - Arrested Development (I might be on the eve of reality, but I'm certain not there yet)

8) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS? Father and Son - Cat Stevens (uncanny, but why is the gender always wrong??)

9) WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN? No Respect - Buju Banton (NO SHIT. WOW. This is actually right on the money)

10) WHAT IS 2+2? Door Peep - Sinead O' Connor (huh?)

11) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND? Two Fine People - Cat Stevens

12) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE? Three-Minute Rule - Beastie Boys (BWAHAHAHAAAAA, chew on that, Suckah!)

13) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY? Gin and Coconut Water - Baja Men (also about right)

14) WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP? Do Ya Love - Spearhead

15) WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE? THE FART GAME - Eddie Murphy (I am not kidding, this is what came up!)

16) WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU? Super Disco Breakin' - Beastie Boys

17) WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING? You Have Caught Me - Barrington Levy (yowza)

18) WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL? Lonely Afternoon - Bob Mould (awwww)

19) WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST? Stay Human - Spearhead

20) WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET? Searching - Buju Banton (it's not such a secret now)

21) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS? Phony Rappers - A Tribe Called Quest (too funny)

OK, there's some strange shit in there. Yes, the music is weird because it's all stuff that I downloaded, not from my home music collection. But some of it is just uncanny, man.

Now I've Gone and Done It!

Last Friday, I slipped on the stairs and broke my tailbone, aka COCCYX.
I didn't realize how bad it was until Saturday afternoon, while standing at a wedding in beautful snowy Breckenridge. OW! It was so bad that at one point I had to leave the reception to go lay down, thus missing dinner. Very sad. The drive home Sunday, on bumpy ice-packed roads (bald tires + icy roads + broken tailbone + driving phobia = one MISERABLE, LONG RIDE). By Monday it was so awful that I took Spencer to school, and then went back to bed. I literally couldn't get out of bed until noon, at which point I took a deep breath, flopped out of the bed onto all fours on the floor, and pulled myself up on the love chest. I went to the doctor, who informed me, as I well know from experiencing this in the past, that there is nothing that can be done except to wait it out until it heals. She did give me some Ambien so that I can sleep. I have been crying a lot from the pain. Being in the car is the worst...and when the muscle around the bone spasms, it makes me almost throw up.

Good times.

Only the Classiest Chicks go to BGSU!

Wednesday

1:55 a.m.
Catherine R. Gumina, 20, of Bowling Green, was cited for underage drinking at a restaurant on East Wooster Street. Police had gone to the restaurant to investigate a verbal argument between Gumina and another woman who was not cited. When officers detected the odor of alcohol on Gumina and asked her if she had been drinking, she responded by saying, "Duh."


(photo compliments of mulletsgalore.com, which I highly recommend as one of the most hilarious things ever)

Yowza. I am almost at a loss for words

But not quite...

THIS ARTICLE is par for the course for hillbillies, but check these chicks out. Did they grow to look alike as partners in the same way that normal people do with their pets??? [And NO, by "normal" I am NOT referring to their sexual preference!!] Or maybe they participated in a ritualistic Poor White Trash tooth-pulling ceremony. Either way, it's uncanny.

Thanks, BGSU, for another laugh..

SUNDAY

12:31 a.m.
A pizza delivery man showed up to make a delivery to a home on Seventh street. He was greeted by a man with a gun in his hand. Afterwards the pizza delivery man called the police. Officers spoke with the resident who said it was only a BB gun. Police advised the resident that this was not the best way to answer the door.

Not a Typo

Denver:

Monday - sunny and 78 degrees

Tuesday - partly cloudy and 52 degrees

Wednesday - snowing and 25 degrees

Shit. Well, at least it's easing in, as opposed to dropping 50+ degrees in one day. Which is not unheard of in this neck o' the weeds, by the way.

Turkeys - no thanky!

At Theresa's request, I am re-posting my "poor turkeys!" letter from last year. I'm not just making a link because no one would read it (damn you). I'm grossed out by Thanksgiving, really. Can't we show our thanks for each other by doing something like going to see the latest Halloween movie, instead of indulging in a mass consumption of WAY too much food??? I say, movie theater popcorn should become the next trend in Thanksgiving mascots!


Another View of Turkey Day
November 2006

by Delisa Renideo
He felt almost cat-like, rubbing up against the back of my legs. And he followed me around the yard like a devoted dog. And like my cats and dogs, he even bumped his head up against my hand as he stood beside me, requesting that I pet him. And all this affection after only meeting that afternoon.
As I walked around the grounds, I could tell he was still following me because I could hear his labored breathing. He was only a year old, but he wheezed and limped painfully because of his extreme overweight. No, he wasn’t a glutton, out of control of his appetite. His size was the result of genetic manipulation. I was told that he would probably die of a sudden heart attack before his second birthday.
I had never met a turkey in person before, except in cages at the State Fair. But I will never forget the day I spent with him and others like him at Peaceful Prairie Sanctuary, outside Denver.
Like the other 300 million turkeys that are killed in the U.S. each year, my new friend had had part of his beak and some of his toes cut off when he was only hours old, without any anesthesia. He was conceived by artificial insemination, as all turkeys are these days, because mating is physically impossible. Human appetite for white meat has led to the genetic engineering of turkeys with huge breasts that make it impossible for them to get close enough to mate. They are also created to grow abnormally fast, as well as very large, leading to lameness and stress on their immature skeletons, hearts and lungs. Thus, the limping and wheezing of my special new friend as he tried to balance his over-sized body on his mutilated feet as he followed me affectionately around.
We generally don’t think much about the centerpiece on our Thanksgiving table. If we think about the turkey as a real animal at all, it’s probably to assume that he doesn’t really have feelings or a personality. Certainly not the way our dogs and cats do. But after my experience at Peaceful Prairie Sanctuary, I know without a shadow of a doubt that isn’t true. Not only do these affectionate animals have personalities, but they wear their feelings where all can see them. The color of their heads changes from blue to pink and red as their emotions change.
It used to bother me to hear people say, “Happy Turkey Day” instead of “Happy Thanksgiving.” I was saddened to think that we had lost the whole point of Thanksgiving, which is to remember to be grateful for all we have, and instead we have focused on stuffing ourselves as well as a turkey.
But now I have another idea. If we could truly celebrate Turkey Day, maybe it would be like celebrating Mother’s Day or Father’s Day or Veteran’s Day or President’s Day. We don’t eat our mothers, fathers, veterans, or president. We honor them, appreciating them for who they are and what they have done for us. We set aside a day to remember them, respect them, and be grateful for them.
I envision the day when we will look back upon the slaughter of 45 million turkeys for Thanksgiving alone – that’s 675 million pounds of animal flesh in one day – with regret. I’d like to think that when that day comes, we might have a real “Turkey Day” to honor the lives of these sensitive, affectionate beings that we harmed so much before we awakened to a reverence for all life. And when that day comes, not only will we have peace on our plates, but we’ll be on our way to peace in the world.

Delisa Renideo resides in Wasilla. You can reach her at 907-373-1526 for suggestions for a delicious, turkey-free, plant-based Thanksgiving dinner.

Man, How I LOVE My Alma Mater's Police Blotter

(alma mater police blotter...I'm a poet!)

"Thursday

2:24 a.m.

Phillip C. Seas, 20, of Piqua, Ohio, was cited for underage drinking and prohibited acts. Officers saw Seas drop an empty bottle on the ground. As he walked away he dropped his pants in order to moon his friends. Police stopped Seas and found a fake ID on him and found he had been drinking."

Amazing deduction, Watson!! Duh.

Photos

Not sure how valid they are now, seeing as how I decided last night that we're on a "break" for a while, -- at least until he gets back from vacation after Thanksgiving -- but they're pretty good pictures, so here ya go:




More to follow soon, from our debaucherous Friday night in Denver!

My new niece...

Grace, Adelaide, Libby

Adelaide Wilde Jay, born yesterday. Spencer's cousin Atticus was born Saturday night (congrats, Kathy and Pete!) and they called me at 11 pm to tell me, right after it happened...and I'm not even technically related to them any more!!

OMG - SBD!

Someone in my office just made a silent, very very stinky, diarrhea fart. His face turned all red, and he booked to the bathroom. This was about 10 minutes ago, and as of right now he has not come back. Should I send him THIS???