Tonight, when I got home to find that the carpet was ruined (mud EVERYWHERE), and there was cat poop to clean up, and something (elk blood) had spilled in the fridge, and my son's science project is due tomorrow but the printer is out of ink ($89 to replace), and the sidewalks needed to be shoveled, and I still have work to do tonight, and there were three loads of laundry waiting, and I needed to make dinner, and I needed to wash the dishes from breakfast, and discovered that I can't pay all my bills this month...and all this happened within an hour of getting home (and yes, I took care of anything I could)...I realized that I am overwhelmed. I do everything by myself but nothing for myself. I self-medicate with wine because I can't calm my nerves any other way. I joined the gym but don't have any time to go there because I am so busy with life. I haven't had a vacation - the kind where there is no phone or computer or work-related anything - for 10 years...and when that one was over, I came home to a relationship separation, move to a new town, a new job, and a miscarriage. Oh, right, and an intro to life as a single mom. Yeah, all within a couple weeks of each other. Since then, life has pretty much sucked a lot and I am constantly panicky and scared. I lost a big chunk of self-esteem during that time period, and it's obvious to me that it hasn't come back. See below.
Once, just once, in my life, I would like to have something that's reliable, to the point that I can depend upon without stressing over it.
A reliable:
*partner
*car
*job
*income
*plastic bag
*shovel
*cheese grater
*coffeemaker
*hell, even a reliable child. Harsh, but true. The lack of respect is sometimes frightening. The ruination of the new carpet is devastating.
My life is the epitome of Murphy's Law...anything that can go wrong, does. I spend a lot of time trying to correct this -- I stash extra car keys under the bumper for when I lock my keychain in the car; I stash extra keys in the yard so that I don't have t o break a window when I lock the keys in the house; I make lists all over the place so that I don't forget things -- but everything still goes wrong. Really. Ask anyone who has known me for a long time. It's uncanny. And the constant itching feeling of I'M NOT SECURE IN ANY WAY is so awful. Especially when it comes to money...getting older alone fucking sucks.
The only thing that didn't go wrong is that my son is beautiful -- I was concerned about having one of those mutant boys with bright orange hair and pasty white freckly skin and a high-pitched voice. But he doesn't respect me, regardless of therapy and behavior changes and all of that shiz. He sees me working my ass off to support him and keep a somewhat nice home, but I think that maybe my failures are more apparent to him and that's what he bases his judgement upon. He sure doesn't behave the same way with his father. Then again, there are reasons that I still like him:
1 comment:
I could help with the pooping cat.
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